


Spinning Out

by anotherthief



Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 09:06:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1092105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherthief/pseuds/anotherthief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are days when she doesn’t remember anymore why she’s with Nathan. Set mid-S4.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spinning Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Koren M (CyberMathWitch)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyberMathWitch/gifts).



> Happy Holidays and I hope you enjoy!

Audrey sits at the end of the pier, feet dangling toward the water.

She’s been here a while, just sitting and looking out over the water. Nathan will be looking for her soon if he’s not already. He’ll try her phone first. It’s sitting in the car, probably has two missed calls by now. If she sits here long enough, he’ll get in his truck and start making the rounds, worried that she’s gotten caught up in some trouble and needs help.

It would feel suffocating in any other town, but Haven is different. Some worries just come with the territory.

Some worries just come with being her.

The breeze rolls in, washing over her face. She sighs and watches the water rock, back and forth, ebb and flow, as dependable as the troubles. It’s this constant push and pull, and Audrey’s in the eye of the storm. At this moment, it’s calm and nothing can touch her, but any minute now the calm will break and the weight of everything will press down on her so heavy she’ll barely be able to move, to breathe, but expected to work miracles all the same.

She leans back on her hands, turns her face to the sun, soaking up the warmth before something drags her back to reality.

 

\---

 

There are days when she doesn’t remember anymore why she’s with Nathan. She doesn’t doubt Nathan’s love, but sometimes she’s not sure if it’s really _her_ that he loves. It would probably help if she knew who she was, who she really was. The longer she is back, the less she feels like Audrey or Lexie and more like a stranger in her own skin. Flipping the switch from Audrey to Lexie was too easy. The lines fraying until she felt one bleeding into the other. She had to watch everything she said when she was Lexie, but even though it’s out now and she’s supposed to be Audrey, just Audrey, she can’t shake this feeling.

She tried to talk about it with Nathan once. His response was typical Nathan.

_“You’re Audrey. It’s that simple. The rest will fade, you just gotta give it time, Parker.”_

He’d given her his best reassuring Nathan grin, so she nodded and smiled in return like she believed him.

The trouble is she didn’t, not really. He might be right; maybe time is all she needs. But there never seems to be enough of it before the next crisis, the next trouble. Her time feels like it’s constantly slipping away from her. First, it felt like she was running out; now it just feels like running. Nathan broke the barn, the troubles didn’t end, and now she has to find a new fix before… she has no idea, before the Guard kills Nathan or her or someone’s trouble kills the whole town or the town is discovered and everyone is tagged and dissected for science or worse – they become a reality TV show. Whatever happens it won’t be good and Audrey would give anything for something good right about now. Even if they can’t end the troubles, there has to be something other than this.

 

\---

 

Audrey thinks about Colorado sometimes.

She’ll catch Duke looking at her when he doesn’t think anyone’s watching him. He’ll smile _that_ smile when he knows he’s caught and she’ll wonder. What if she made the wrong choice? What if she hadn’t stopped them that night?

She wouldn’t be with Nathan now, but would it have changed any of the rest of that spiral?

If she had given into temptation that night and fallen into Duke's arms, if she had given him her heart instead of Nathan, if she had been with Duke for the days she had left before the barn reappeared, would she even be in Haven now? Or in some other dimension doing god knows what for 27 years? Would Nathan have still shot Agent Howard? Would Duke have been able to let her go? Would the troubles have disappeared and her with them?

The questions whirl around in her brain like the wind on the water. One ripple touches the next without any particular pattern. She tries not to think about it; she doesn’t have any way to answer them so it’s not useful and she doesn’t have time to not be doing something useful. But right now on the pier in the quiet, she can’t keep the questions from coming. 

One question nags at her more than the others, but like the others she would never dare to say it out loud.

Would she be happier with Duke? 

Because she’s not happy now, not really, and she doesn’t want to blame that on Nathan because he is good to her, but it’s hard not to blame it on everything in her life, including him. Of course, she blames the troubles most of all, and part of her blames Nathan for the troubles. It’s hard to separate that out from the rest of her feelings toward Nathan. She had chosen the barn to save _him_ , but he couldn’t, he wouldn’t let her go. And in the end she’s the one carrying most of that burden – because of a choice _he_ made.

She loves him and that’s supposed to be enough, but it’s hard not to wonder… what if she had chosen Duke?

The feelings are there, even now, buried deep in a corner of her heart. Duke’s her best friend and she knows, she knows by the look in his eyes and the smile he reserves just for her, that he feels it too.

She made her choice then and she doesn’t know how to unmake it now. She’s not sure she could if she wanted to. After everything she has put the two of them through, it doesn’t seem fair to change the rules now. The troubles are enough of a headache, and more, for lack of a better word, _trouble_ than any of them should ever have to endure.

In the end, like everything else in her life, her heart is bound by the troubles and all that comes with them. The troubles are what matters and managing or ending them is going to take almost all that she has. So she doesn’t get to give herself that option. Enough is enough. The pain has to stop somewhere. She’s broken Duke’s heart once. She won’t risk breaking everyone’s. Days like today she can’t make the questions stop, but maybe in time they will. And maybe one day they’ll end the troubles and everything will make sense, including her.

Maybe, but she’s not really sure what she believes anymore.

She leans forward and rolls her wrists. They’re stiff from the weight that had been pressing down on them.

Slowly she stands and gives the water one last long look before walking back to her car.

 

\---

 

She has four missed calls from Nathan and a text from Duke when she checks her phone.


End file.
